My name is Harry and there’s a lot of things I hate. Yell at me all you wish but I think the thing I happen to hate the most is standing around in a queue. I hate lines. Like most people, my time is precious and valuable. I may be old but you don’t catch me sitting around doing nothing all day now do you. Of course not. I am always out there about and doing something. I know that I need to see the world or as much of it as I can. This is why it really burns me when I run into the worst thing in whole world: lines. I’m forced to stand around and do nothing all day. When I was younger, we didn’t have such lines. We were more organized and efficient. Now, it’s all lines everywhere. You can’t do something without being forced to wait around in a queue. Efficiency has been done away with in favor of stupid people who know nothing and make you wait while they do even more nothing.
You know what I like, though? Slot machines! I’ve been playing at BGO for years now. What’s that? You think it’s weird that I’d like going to a casino? Hell no! I wouldn’t go to a casino in a million years! BGO’s an online casino. Don’t even have to leave my house! I sit down and bring it up on the old computer (I hate that thing) and in no time flat I’m spinning the slots. I get to spin it as long as I want to, and I don’t have to worry about some tarted up waitress breathing down my neck trying to force more drinks on me. Don’t even have to worry about cashing out for the day! I can even hop around to different slot machines without a problem. You hear that? Without a problem! Don’t have to stand around in a damn queue all day trying to get to the slot machine I want to get to. BGO might be the best part of my day. Beats the hell out of going into town.
Standing in line means that you have to spend time with nothing else to do. No lines have seating. Instead, it’s stand there right behind someone else. And it’s never someone beautiful or at least nice to look at. Instead, you get stuck standing behind some ugly man who hasn’t had a bath in ten years. Or you get stuck right behind someone with three bawling kids who are upset that mummy hasn’t bought them everything they see in the entire store. The kids either look to you to entertain them or they have these new things I think they call I-Phones where all they do is look at a screen playing foolish games for hours. Meanwhile, I have to stand there while mummy goes through her big giant bag to find her credit card because she can’t be bothered getting out the card during the twenty minutes she’s been standing in the queue. This is why I have to put up with in my life today.
Did you ever hear of Socrates or Plato standing in line? Of course not! No lines for them when discussing the great meaning of the world. Life was better then. You never heard of Kant being forced to stand for over five minutes just to wait for a bus or grab a bite to eat for dinner. You never read about Søren Kierkegaard having to put with long lines just so he can buy some butter or a bit of bread. They never talk about lines when back then because those ancient Romans and Greeks know how to get things done like aqua ducts and forcing people to fight lions. But here I am, centuries later and I have to put up with this hell everywhere I go. You’d have thought they’d figured out a way to avoid making us standing in a queue all the time but of course not.
Some people like the rain. They get all happy when it’s full of cold rain outside. Well not me. I hate seeing it rain. Rain means that you have to get wet when you go outside. Sure I can use an umbrella but even then the water gets in your face no matter what you do. You bring an umbrella with you and five seconds later a small gust of wind comes up and it’s all history. You have to throw that umbrella in the trash and then what can you do. I don’t understand why some people love the idea of spending money on an umbrella and then getting wet anyway. Rain is gloomy and unhappy. My spirit goes down every single time I look out the window and it’s raining yet again. Everything get wet and filthy. My freshly washed car turns into a disgusting thing full of dirt everywhere. When you have to go out in the rain, you always get all your clothing even dirtier. First it starts with your shoes. Your shoes always totally ruined in the rain. Then you socks. My socks always get waterlogged no matter what kind of material I choose. My trousers also get dirty in the rain. No matter how good of a hem I have, it always falls down in the rain and I have to walk around with my legs full of water. Even my shirt gets dirty and cold when I’m out in the rain because the rain coat doesn’t protect me from the rain.
Another thing I really hate are barking dogs. I have neighbors and they have dogs. You would have thought they’d have asked if I want to have neighbors with dogs but of course not. I get no say whatsoever in the fact. Instead, I have to put up with it and I’m expected not to complain. I’m expected to sit here and listen to them barking. They bark at least ten minutes every other day. Who wants to put up with that? The neighbors expect me to ignore this. They think their dogs are the greatest things on the planet. I think they’re awful noisy creatures who need to be sent away. I have listen to this now and then and it makes me want to run away from home. It’s not that I dislike dogs. When you see them and pet them for a few seconds they’re fine. It’s when they bark and bark all day long. I get stuck having to listen to barking dogs when I’m at home just reading a book not bothering anyone. The sound of the dogs is awful. They’re dogs are unruly. I have to listen to dogs bark and it’s like listening to babies yell. But babies grow out of it. Dogs never do. Five years after the neighbors brought home the dog it’s still barking every now and then, disturbing the peace and making me feel like I live in a dog park rather than my house.
I think the only thing hate worse than barking dogs are taxes. Taxes are way too high right now. I don’t understand why I even have to pay taxes. I’ve done my share to contribute to society. Why can’t the government leave me alone and stop taking money from my account. I know that we need to have taxes to pay for roads and bridges. We also need to have taxes so the stupid next generation might actually learn something. But why me? Why do I have to have money taken from my account? Why I am personally responsible for taxes? Do I drive on every single bridge in the country? Do I sit in every class in the country? Of course not! So why I am being forced to pay all these lousy taxes? I should be exempt from taxes. I’m old and I need all the money I can get in my life. I have expenses to pay. I’d have more money if I didn’t have to pay so much of my income in these high taxes. It’s not fair that I need to pay for things that others use. I look at the pay I get and I see that it would be so much higher if I didn’t have taxes. All those government officials don’t need the money from me. They don’t need to have big fancy salaries just so they can do nothing all day. I need the money more than they do.
When I’m not forced to cope with rain or taxes that bite into my pay, I have to put up with another thing I hate. That thing is the telly. The telly is an evil machine. Did people in by gone days spend all their time staring at a box? Of course not! Today, nearly every single person spends at least some time each day staring at this ugly box. Are they outside where they should be in the sunshine interacting with other people? Are they at home having a family dinner? Are they doing something useful and important? Of course not! Instead, they’re staring for hours at this stupid little box in the living room. It gets even worse. Most programming is not educational in some way. You never learn much from staring at a screen. They have stupid programs where stupid people do stupid things. We’re all expected to watch the shows on the telly and know all the details about them. You can’t have a conversation with someone without their bringing up someone from the telly who starred in something stupid for a few seconds. I’m expected to know the boring details about the latest television program. Instead of discussing art or politics or anything of any real importance, we talk about the programs on the telly. Everyone from little kids to seniors has abandoned all common sense in favor of hours of watching this living room devil for too many hours each day.
I get accused to hating on everything. People say that I spend too much time about whining about thing and not enough time appreciating what we have. So here are some of my favorite things. Try these fabulous dishes and you won’t regret it.
Devils on Horseback
I love this appetizer. Now some people say that bacon and prunes don’t go together. They say that prunes are only for old people like me. Well I have news for all you doubters. Prunes are the perfect thing to eat. They are delicious all year long. You don’t have to do anything to them. Add a piece of bacon that you’ve cooked for a few seconds until it’s all brown and place around the prunes and you’ll have a dish that is both crisp and fruity at the same time and who doesn’t like that?
Cheese is one of the greatest things you can ever eat. You’ll never go wrong with cheese. One of my favorite kinds of cheese is headcheese. You take a pig’s head and then you can eat something that’s been turned into cheese. It’s so huge that every single person can have as much as they like. I serve it at parties and everyone sees it. People often tell me they can’t believe I served it to them!
I know some people don’t like marmite. They think of marmite as this funny tasting stuff that makes you gag. Well I can tell you that nothing is better than the taste of marmite. It’s even better when you put it on toast. Just put a bit of bread in the toaster oven. Then wait for it it up pop up. All you have to do is put some butter on the bread and then add your marmite. I love to have toast in the morning with some butter and the marmite. To make it extra special, I add salt, a bit of garlic powder and then some raw onions. This is heaven on a plate. I always make sure the bread is hot and the butter is slightly melted so it can be spread easily. You also need to make sure the marmite is room temperature so you can put in on the toast properly.
Calve’s Foot Jelly
I stumbled on this one a few years ago and I’ve been happy ever since. A friend of mine would make it all the time. You can buy it in certain places but I like the idea of making it at home. You need to have the calve’s foot in your kitchen. My neighbors give me funny looks when they see me bringing it home. They have no idea just how delicious the finished product is once you pair it with some crackers. I make this at least once a month so I always have it on hand.
Ham and Banana Hollandaise
This is an old favorite of mine. That’s just what sounds like: ham, some bananas and your perfect sauce. It’s also easy to prepare. All you need are some peeled bananas, a few slices of ham and then a properly prepared Hollandaise sauce. I like to find the ripest bananas I can get ahold of each time. Then I use some ham with flavor in it. You lay the bananas down, top with the ham and add your sauce. That’s all it takes to have the perfect appetizer or even the ideal main course.